Worth It

Sometimes we plan things
And they fall through
Sometimes our dreams
Never become reality
Sometimes our hope
Brings disappointment
And looking back
It doesn't make sense
But we have to trust
We have to know
We must believe
That God is sovereign
His plans are greater
His dreams are bigger
His hope does not disappoint
And His promises are true
In the end we will see
It was all worth it

Every Time

It happens like this every time

But more frequently now

When did it get this bad?

How did you get this way?

But in a way I understand

I used to be that way too

But it was different

Because I kept it all inside

But you don't, do you?

You scream it for the world

While you're running the streets

Does it help?

It's only getting worse

I never wanted this for you

I don't want it for you now

I wish I could just bring a solution

It's hard sitting here

Just watching

A part of me dies for you

Every single time

But you don't care

You don't see

No matter how hard I try

No matter what I do

I pray that you find

The freedom I have found

Freedom from hate

Freedom to forgive

But for now

Every time I will be here

Watching and praying

That it all will end

The King's Garden

Are the flowers not lovely?
Is the produce not of best quality?

Does the master not care for each?

He plants

He waters

He weeds

They grow

The master delights in them

Is each not special?

Does the master not find each beautiful?

Are they not?

Some are big

Some are small

Some are fragile

Some are strong

But he cares for them all

But not all care for the King's Garden

Some steal his precious beings

And distort them

Lie to them

Mistreat them

This saddens the King

He longs for their return

To repair and make new again

For his love is so great

So wide and so deep

Unconditional

Incomprehensible

But it doesn't matter

That it cannot be understood

Because the love is real and perfect

And his love makes the garden grow

maybe I'm frustrated

You need to be more careful
Look at how you act
I'm so worried about you
But maybe you're just not afraid
Maybe I just was

I can't figure you out
You don't talk like the rest
It's like I'm always tiptoeing
I want normal
But maybe I don't

You make me mad sometimes
You say all this stuff
And it isn't even true
You believe it though
Maybe I'm guilty too

I want to be your friend
And I think we're getting better
But then I'm not sure
You probably don't care
But maybe I do

Running

I'm running.
I'm running after You.

I won't look right
Not even left
Because I'm running.

Though it's hard
Even if I'm weary
I'll be running.

Through the desert
Through the storms
You'll see me running.

Forever
Alone if I must
I'll be running.

Oh, LORD, I'm running
...and I'm running HARD

hello, -OH

I smell you again
You remind me of the past
And it sickens me

And, pardon me,
But I don't understand
Why you're here

But, alas,
You exist even now
And you're part of our lives

I suppose some don't see the problem
But I've seen you at work
I've seen what you can do

And let me assure you
You will have no part of my life
No part of my future

I can only hope
The others avoid you as well
But I can't control them

But I will do what I can
PRAY WITHOUT CEASING
And that, my non-friend, is more powerful than you

I hope you know

If I had to search campus for you every night
If I had to just listen to you for hours
If I had to hold you tightly while you cried
If I had to never sleep again
If I had to give up everything else in my life

I would do it ALL
I would do anything
For you to get better

Because it hurts me to see you this way
And because you're my best friend
But mostly because I LOVE YOU

You don't

You don't hide from me
You don't block me
You don't ignore my call
You don't even send me to voicemail
You don't delete me as a friend
You don't untag yourself from my life
You don't stand me up
You don't have better things to do
You don't lie to me
You don't go back on your word
You don't leave me in my time of need
You don't hurt me with the things you say
You don't call me names
You don't make fun of me
You don't break your promises
You don't stereotype me
You don't manipulate me
You don't belittle me
You don't avoid me
You don't look at me with hurtful eyes
You don't talk about me behind my back
You don't pressure me
You don't make me cry
You don't rejoice in my failures
You don't give up on me
You don't ...

Ruin me

Lately it’s becoming so clear
Your plan for me

It’s not what I want to hear
But I am willing

It really scares me
And yet fills me with joy

It makes me tremble
But You give me peace

God, my God
You are so good

Thank you, Lord
Thank you

To feign a front

The little girl
Sees things she should not see
And she pretends

It hurts her
But she wants to be tough
So she puts on a facade

She doesn't want to feel
And tries to mask the pain
By pretending

She seeks not for help
But rather hides
It's all part of the act

But there's One that knows
And maybe someday she can trust Him enough
To stop pretending

Overcoming the ignorance

Was I stupid?
Was I naive?
Am I pathetic?

I say I don't regret
And I don't
But I want to

Yet now I know
So maybe next time
I will overcome the ignorance

A glorious recollection

I was just going back through some of my old writings, and I got really encouraged. I've posted a few of them down below so you could see if you wanted to see what I'm referring to. Basically, the reason I'm so encouraged is because the things that I was struggling with when I wrote these things have been resolved. In some cases, it took years to work through some of them, but now, I look back and am amazed at how far I've come! God is just so good! He's so faithful, and I love being able to trust in Him! Even when things didn't make sense, He made sense out of things and brought them around for the good. It also really encourages me for the present, because I know that I can trust God with things I'm dealing with now. He's always faithful, and I know that as I continue to pursue His will and purpose in ALL things, He will continually bring good out of them. It's an awesome feeling, being able to truly rely on someone and know that they will NEVER let you down!


"save me"
it happens
that is what they say
but it still matters
and it hurts

because it makes me hate you
but i don't want to
and i don't know how
to fix this

and i keep
falling apart
crumbling inside
and trying to cover it up

but then it happens again
and i can't ignore
the pain you cause
and i hate you more

God, please
help me come back
to where i'm found
in you

because i'm falling
and sinking
deeper and deeper
so save me, please


"it's over"

it's been two years
and i finally see
that you weren't all
i thought you to be

i thought i would never
be okay again
but now i'm here
and i'm over it

and i'm over you
and i'm over everything
i thought i knew
yes, it's finally true

and it feels good
not knowing anymore
what i want because
it means that i'm free

free to dream
and hope
and be
someone who is me

and though you never knew
i felt this way
it feels good
just the same


"the blowing wind..."

Do you hear me?
I'm crying out tonight
I want to be real
I want to be true
I want to be everything I'm supposed to

But the walls around me
Keep growing higher
With every fake smile
With every hidden tear
I'm becoming stuck here

How can this be?
What happened to the dreams I could once see?
They're gone with the wind
The wind that keeps blowing me
Blowing me away from who I'm supposed to be

Stagnation

It hurts me
But I pretend
It doesn't

Probably because
It shouldn't
But it does

But maybe
You shouldn't say it
But you do

And I can't tell you
That it hurts
Because I'm too busy

Too busy
Pretending
It doesn't hurt

But none of this
Changes anything
And so it continues

Calculated Risk

You’re trapped
And you know it
Stuck inside
Walls surrounding

But you’re safe
That’s what you believe
Hiding from everyone
Everything

Won’t you come out?
Won’t you let someone
Penetrate the barrier?
You want this

But you’re afraid
It didn’t work out before
It’s too risky
You’re too fragile

But, question:
Is it worth it
Your guarded effort?
Instead, won’t you take the risk?

It will take time and trust...

It’s funny how things that once made me smile now make me sad. But it’s a strange sort of sad, not devastation or even a disappointment but a longing for something that was lost. And yet, there’s a peace to it all. The knowledge of doing right overcomes this sadness, more strongly at times than others but still dominant. It’s a struggle between the desires selfish and selfless. It’s a fight for trust and to whom it belongs. And I know who will win, and I’m glad. Nevertheless it’s still a constant battle, and sometimes my soul sides with the eventual loser. It listens to the memories that were, the comforts that existed, and the deadened hopeful wishes. But my spirit discards these as imposters, as lies that must be silenced. And they will be. It’s all a process, slow as of yet, but gaining momentum. This so-called war is fought every day, but eventually, my soul will adhere to my spirit as my spirit adheres to the Spirit of the Most High. I long for that day, the day when the pain subsides, the sadness dies, and instead freedom abides! And I will praise the Lord, even now, but more joyously then, for He is faithful, my refuge, trustworthy, my deliverer…and so much more that cannot be described. To Him I give all honor and glory and praise…forever!

Of all the adventures in my life, this is the latest.

My roomate convinced me to start a blog. We decided it would be fun for me to write and for her to read. So, this is my first one. It's not very exciting; hopefully it will be more so in the future. It will mostly consist of random stories about my life, possibly some of my writings or poetry if I feel especially inspired, or just some really awesome stories about what God is doing in me and around me! :D I hope you enjoy reading it!

Until next time...