A glorious recollection

I was just going back through some of my old writings, and I got really encouraged. I've posted a few of them down below so you could see if you wanted to see what I'm referring to. Basically, the reason I'm so encouraged is because the things that I was struggling with when I wrote these things have been resolved. In some cases, it took years to work through some of them, but now, I look back and am amazed at how far I've come! God is just so good! He's so faithful, and I love being able to trust in Him! Even when things didn't make sense, He made sense out of things and brought them around for the good. It also really encourages me for the present, because I know that I can trust God with things I'm dealing with now. He's always faithful, and I know that as I continue to pursue His will and purpose in ALL things, He will continually bring good out of them. It's an awesome feeling, being able to truly rely on someone and know that they will NEVER let you down!


"save me"
it happens
that is what they say
but it still matters
and it hurts

because it makes me hate you
but i don't want to
and i don't know how
to fix this

and i keep
falling apart
crumbling inside
and trying to cover it up

but then it happens again
and i can't ignore
the pain you cause
and i hate you more

God, please
help me come back
to where i'm found
in you

because i'm falling
and sinking
deeper and deeper
so save me, please


"it's over"

it's been two years
and i finally see
that you weren't all
i thought you to be

i thought i would never
be okay again
but now i'm here
and i'm over it

and i'm over you
and i'm over everything
i thought i knew
yes, it's finally true

and it feels good
not knowing anymore
what i want because
it means that i'm free

free to dream
and hope
and be
someone who is me

and though you never knew
i felt this way
it feels good
just the same


"the blowing wind..."

Do you hear me?
I'm crying out tonight
I want to be real
I want to be true
I want to be everything I'm supposed to

But the walls around me
Keep growing higher
With every fake smile
With every hidden tear
I'm becoming stuck here

How can this be?
What happened to the dreams I could once see?
They're gone with the wind
The wind that keeps blowing me
Blowing me away from who I'm supposed to be

Stagnation

It hurts me
But I pretend
It doesn't

Probably because
It shouldn't
But it does

But maybe
You shouldn't say it
But you do

And I can't tell you
That it hurts
Because I'm too busy

Too busy
Pretending
It doesn't hurt

But none of this
Changes anything
And so it continues

Calculated Risk

You’re trapped
And you know it
Stuck inside
Walls surrounding

But you’re safe
That’s what you believe
Hiding from everyone
Everything

Won’t you come out?
Won’t you let someone
Penetrate the barrier?
You want this

But you’re afraid
It didn’t work out before
It’s too risky
You’re too fragile

But, question:
Is it worth it
Your guarded effort?
Instead, won’t you take the risk?

It will take time and trust...

It’s funny how things that once made me smile now make me sad. But it’s a strange sort of sad, not devastation or even a disappointment but a longing for something that was lost. And yet, there’s a peace to it all. The knowledge of doing right overcomes this sadness, more strongly at times than others but still dominant. It’s a struggle between the desires selfish and selfless. It’s a fight for trust and to whom it belongs. And I know who will win, and I’m glad. Nevertheless it’s still a constant battle, and sometimes my soul sides with the eventual loser. It listens to the memories that were, the comforts that existed, and the deadened hopeful wishes. But my spirit discards these as imposters, as lies that must be silenced. And they will be. It’s all a process, slow as of yet, but gaining momentum. This so-called war is fought every day, but eventually, my soul will adhere to my spirit as my spirit adheres to the Spirit of the Most High. I long for that day, the day when the pain subsides, the sadness dies, and instead freedom abides! And I will praise the Lord, even now, but more joyously then, for He is faithful, my refuge, trustworthy, my deliverer…and so much more that cannot be described. To Him I give all honor and glory and praise…forever!